Happy Thoughts, but Tough Nights, are Here Again

Today was a tough one for me. I was hungry all day long. It would have been so easy to give in and allow myself to have a binge-eating episode to satisfy the constant cravings.  I'm not sure what made the day so hard, but it took everything I had to adhere to the meals I had planned and not veer off course to eat all the wrong things - and in large quantities, at that.  Because I realized early on that this day was going to be harder than most, I made it a point to drink as much water as I could tolerate every two hours.  Remember, I'm not a water-drinker.  But, it worked.  Although I still have not figured out what it was that put me in such a state. And, the real point of this exercise is to set myself up not to have a binge-eating episode tonight. 

If you go back and re-read my earlier posts, you'll realize something that is blatantly obvious. I don't talk a lot about exercise.  I do, however,  practice and honor the Qigong and Tai Chi principles and methods of exercise almost every day. I also practice meditation on a regular basis. Yoga has never worked for me and I'm certainly not up to any strenuous workout routine.   Currently I'm nursing a severely sprained ankle, but that's another story.  I admire those who are disciplined and in shape enough to be able to participate in the toughest Zumba Fitness and Spin classes, but I'm not there yet. 

In the meantime, when my ankle is better, I'll resume supplementing my Qigong and Tai Chi routines with my treadmill.   In healthier times, I worked out on the treadmill until my legs felt  like spaghetti.  When I told my personal trainer the dynamics of my workout - 4.9 mph for 45 minutes, he made a comment of something to the effect that it was a wonder I could even stand up when  I finished.  Those were the days.

And so they were until two significant, life-altering events occurred that chauffeured me, ever so nicely, into a state of anxiety, panic and loss that I've yet to overcome.  Enter, my newest friend, Binge-Eating-Disorder.  As you know, there are associated "triggers" with eating disorders.  Binge-eating is no exception.   Yes, there were successful lawsuit awards, counseling, and medications offered to remedy the effect of these events and "make me whole" again.  They didn't work. Now, I'm very cognizant of these "triggers," and do everything I can to avoid them.

There's a wicked brown object in my bathroom. Sometimes it's so far over in the corner, I think it's hiding from me.  Then I realize I'm hiding from it.  As if in fright, its seven-segment digital display glares back at me every time I step on it.  And in return, I usually close my eyes or squint when I dare to look at it.  There are times that I just run out of the bathroom if I don't like what it has to offer.  Today, however, I stood ever so proudly on it -  and laughed.  It's finally learned what direction the numbers need to go in; and, if that continues, I won't despair. Even if I have to put sunglasses on to read it. 

Regardless of what the bathroom scale says, there is this much about it.  I am in the clutches of BED.  And, for all of my common sense, it will take everything I have to loosen its grip on me - which is only tightened by the guilt that accompanies each episode. My quest for better health will be a tough, but not impossible, one. There will be plenty of days like today, but I'll get through them.    
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